What do you think of when you hear the word Ka-Ching? Money. Right?...... Well, we can’t deny that money can buy some level of happiness but not necessarily... It does not come close to the joy we give and receive when we make deposits into our partner’s Need’s Banks.
Inside all of us are twenty-four Need’s Banks. The question is, what comes to mind when one thinks of primary needs in love relationships? Some may think sex and others may say communication. These are correct but what characteristics do both of these have in common? The answer is connection, one of the twenty-four needs.
One may wonder why connection. Connection is a basic primal need that is hard wired into our brains from birth until death. Interesting but also challenging is this concept that all of us have different definitions for how we interpret this word. So before continuing ask yourself, how does one understand connection?
The wiring for many of our banks begins during infancy. The attachment type one develops with their primary caregivers will greatly affect the definitions they adopt for their need of connection. Attachment research is a field of scientific study that focuses on the relationship and bonds between people, which begins between parents and children. I will not bore you with the details but it’s important to know the basics.
Depending on experiences as infants and children determines how our brain becomes wired. The meanings we put to and how we make sense of these situations become a major factor that shape the social development of the brain. This attachment bond itself is a critical factor.
A characteristic of an attachment relationship includes believing that your “caregiver” will be there for you, a belief that creates a secure base from which to explore the world around you and feel emotionally secure.
There are two types of attachment styles: Secure and Insecure. We interpret how our caregivers responded to us in a way that make us ask…Did my attachment figure interpret my signals correctly and did they respond to me in a coherent and timely manner…..If the answer is..
- Yes…This is the basis for security… Secure
- No…This is the basis for anxiety and fear ….Insecure
If one was fortunate enough to have attentive parents, he/she most probably developed a secure attachment. If not, then an anxious or avoidant attachment type was established. These styles of attachment set the ground work for how we progress through the other five stages in our development and greatly influence how we interact in our adult relationships.
So, what does all of this attachment “stuff” have to do with making deposits in our partner’s connection bank? The secret to accumulating wealth in your love relationship is to recognize what we (ourselves and our partners) need in order to feel and maintain a safe emotional connection. We also need to recognize how we want our partner to respond to us when we feel a dis-connection.
So how do we know exactly what our partner’s currency of connection needs are? Many of us don’t and that causes so much frustration. The process of discovering what makes us tick, what makes us feel safe, what makes us feel rich in connection is all a part of learning our partner’s needs. This is why the ability to have safe, honest and open communication is so important. The gift of sharing and receiving this information is the key to discovering each other’s currency of connection.
The key distinction to remember is that each person has his/her own unique definition for their own “currency”. And, these definitions change over time. Our partner’s currency consists of what I call WABs….
- Words we want to hear
- Actions we want to see
- Behaviors we want to experience
This part of the currency (or exchange) represents deposits into their particular need bank. The questions is what are the WABs that represent a one dollar and what are the WABs that represent a hundred dollars? You may feel that holding your hand is a five dollar deposit in your connection bank while listening empathically to you explain the challenges of a specific day is worth seventy-five dollars.
What creates conflict is when one makes withdrawals from their partners account. This occurs when one says/does or not says/does something that causes their partner some degree of dis-connection. To clarify, we spoke the words, engaged in the actions and/or displayed the behaviors they DID NOT want to hear, see or experience.
Key point…. After we make a withdrawal, we must produce five deposits for every withdrawal in order to rebalance “the bank”.
SHOW ME THE MONEY!! If one wants a securely attached relationship that is filled with peace, love and connection, be inspired to understand their partner’s language of deposits and withdrawals. Then, be mindful to show up with intention to make multiple deposits every day.
Take the time to ask questions, be a great detective and learn your partner’s connection language. Good luck, have fun and may you never be in the red!
I & WE Coaching